


Forbidden Truths

by BatmanFanGirl



Category: The Forbidden Game - L. J. Smith
Genre: Dark, F/M, Julian is kind of a jerk, Maniputation, Non conish?, Or Is he?, Question of sanity, mental issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 03:38:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 15,199
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9952706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BatmanFanGirl/pseuds/BatmanFanGirl
Summary: in the future of 1999 Julian comes back, although not as nice as before.





	1. No Way Out

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this when I was 19 in 1999. I don't think the writing is terrible but it's not amazing either. I think it's decent enough for a 19 year old. If you see any mistakes let me know. I gave it a brief read through but didn't pick at it with a fine tooth comb or anything.
> 
> I was playing with the idea that the past affected Jenny on a emotional level. I'll leave it up to the reader to decide what they think really happened in the end but if you want my opinion I'm happy to give it to you.

I sat there for hours in that room. It was part of his punishment. The never ending void of darkness seemed to consume my soul and my tortured feverish eyes never wondered to far down that dark tunnel, in fear of what lay beyond that black archway. The only movement in the room were the rats and my labored breathing.

The rat's red beady eyes glowed from the yawning blackness. Their black fury body's brushing my legs and their claws scampering and echoing through my mind. I must be insane, the black cobwebs veil my thoughts and capture any good dreams I have left in it's sticky webs.

I can hear his footsteps echo through the passage ways. He's still trying to find me. His torturous cries bounce off the walls, and yet still he does not find me. He said he loved me, that he came back for me, but his love was sick, and twisted into ungodly evil. I hide in this passageway as dark as hell and prey he doesn't find me. For now I must wait and tell my tale.

*****

I was a pretty twenty two year old back then young and naive. It was the year 1999 and the hustle and bustle of San. Francisco was at it's usual rate.It was high noon and the sun was blistering hot. My clothes stuck to my skin in the sticky uncomfortable heat. It was July, and although it rarely got above 75 we had recently had a horrific heat wave. I walked down the street I had passed through for the past four years of my life. It was the main street of Post and Main.

I remembered, as I walked toward the building I worked at as a Kindergarten teacher, that a very unusual clown had intervened my path. I remember his eyes seemed to glow a reddish yellow, I must of made some sort of whimper, because the clown's red mouth broke into a huge grin.

"There, there lady. Drew the clown wouldn't hurt a pretty lady. Would you like a balloon pretty lady?"

I mumbled no and walked by as quickly as I could, but not quick enough for the clown grabbed my wrist.

"Oh, COME on pretty lady! Take the balloon! It's a special present from me to you. You want it don't YOU!"

At the word "you" a bright light flashed before my eyes. I was lost somewhere in the woods. It was autumn. The leaves shimmered in the afternoon sunlight which filtered through the trees. The reds, gold's, and browns reminded me of an amusement park full of colorful rides and the sweet innocent laughter of children, as they ate there caramel apples, and cotton candy. I shuddered, amusement parks, I had no good memories of them. I looked down, and found I was in a white lacy dress which floated around me from the cool autumn wind. The wind whistled through the tree top and to me it sounded like the tortured shriek of animal. A man was there. Looking about  24 or 25 his hair was the color of candlelight, his eyes like a gas stove, and his body was hard and build in the right proportions. He wore a top hat a loose white shirt and cape with black pants. It was old fashioned. I never thought I would have to see, hear, from this man again.

"Hello Jenny, I've been waiting for you."

"Julian."

He flashed a quick smile and gave a mock bow and spoke. "Deja vu"

He looked up at me then, and winked.

I must of stared at him for what felt like about an hour before I laughed in his face. It was not a good idea to laugh at a man with unearthly beauty, who could bring you to a world most people have never seen before. I of course have seen it one too many times.

His eyes grew even darker then what was possible. "Don't mock me Jenny. I want manners and respect from a bright beautiful woman like you. I would think you would know better then to laugh at what I am. “

"And what are you this time?" I hear myself ask even though I really don't wish to know, after all I had reached the conclusion that this really was not happening. It was just a dream and not a very pleasant one at that. After all Julian was supposed to be dead. Not standing here talking to me.

"Do we have to go over this again? I thought you knew by now", he smiled quickly, "Besides, I got tired of waiting for the right time. So I decided to take you now. Again." He seemed to be staring at me, waiting for my comment on the situation.

"Okay, I thought that you had changed your mind about this whole evil thing... I mean you saved the lives of me and my friends. Um you let me go, set me free. This doesn't make any sense."

"I've changed my mind" he stated it simply without any hesitation.

I ponder this for a moment wondering why I am so calm. "Okay, so let me get this straight. You're planning on kidnapping me and my friends again?"

He raised one perfect eyebrow. "No, just you."

"Um, Okay, I um, got to go." I still didn't understand why I was so calm. I guess it was because at the time I was so determined it was a dream. At that moment I felt inspired to reach out and touch his cloak.

"NO!" He screamed once so loud I thought my ears drums would shatter. But suddenly I was on the busy streets of San. Francisco once again.

 *****

"So am I crazy Dr. Barter?" I watched the therapist give me a smile that reminded me of a doctor trying to a reassure a crazy patient in custody.

"No of course not Miss Thorton. Tell me something, Miss Thorton are you under a lot of stress at your work. Are you having sexual problems in a relationship?"

I stared at him for a few moments in disbelieve. Here I was pouring my soul out to him, about an incident that scared the hell out of me and all he could come up with was problems with my work and sex life?

"Excuse me but I'm not imagining this! It happened I didn't make it up! At least I don't think I did..."

"No, no, of course you didn't Miss Thorton, I never said you did. Often when people have stressful things in there life they invent a imaginary place, a fantasy. It helps improve their life."

I scoffed at him."This wasn't some little fantasy cruise in the Bahamas with my dream man, this was horrible. This guy was a psycho who is, was, a demon in love with me!" I was trying desperately to forget my of past when I was sixteen. Try not to bring that up, my subconscious said, it will only make things worse.

The therapist frowned. "Tell me something Miss Thorton. Are you fascinated by the darker side of things. Do you read or watch entertainment about ghosts, and other supernatural things?

I stared at him in disbelieve. "I have a witches altar in that's what you mean." I told him sarcastically.

He raised his eye brows and rubbed his chin where some invisible beard must of been. "No, no, of course not." He paused and looked at his watch.

"Well Miss Thorton that's all the time we have for today. Shall we continue this conversation next Monday, same time?"

I nodded but stayed silent.

He smiled pleased with some sort or progress he seemed to think he had made. "Good, good. Well then good-bye for now."

I got up and left the office thinking I had to get a new therapist.


	2. Endless Night

I could feel my heart pounding as I stared around the dark cavern. I wasn't thirsty, there were plenty of streams in these dark caverns, but I was starving. Twice I had considered killing the rats, and using them for food, and twice I had discarded the idea. I couldn't stand the idea of being reduced to that. I've been wondering these caves for what feels like days. I have no idea how long I really have been here, for it's dark all the time. I can't keep track of the sunrises and sets, in this black well of despair. I'm not exactly sure at what point Julian decided to change. Maybe he had been alone for so long he had snapped. All I know is the Julian I used to know, the one who had enough sensitivity to not hurt me, is gone. I have the bruises and scratches to prove it. The worst part about it is I still can't help but love him. At least a part of me. He is still as sexy and devastatingly charming as ever. He still claims to love me with all of his self. And despite all that he has done, I have to believe him. It's there in his voice, the way he touches me, the way he looks at me, studying me for hours content in just letting it be. It greatly disturbs me, the way he watches me. 

At first that was all it was, just him looking at me in the room he had made for me. He would sit in a chair, and me, on the bed, and he would stare endlessly at me. I got nervous, shifting around fiddling with the bedspread, crunching the silk sheets between my fingers. Soon it was more then just looks. It was touches. I would like to say I had fought him off, I told him no, and never to touch me again. But it would be a lie. I liked the way he touched me. No, that's wrong, I loved the way he touched me. My hair, my cheek, my throat, and breasts. It made me feel more alive then I had in years. But at the same time, I felt frightened. I shouldn't want to respond to him in any way. He had kidnapped me, took me to a place that was not my own. And I had been thankful. Until he had lost control. I jerked out of my thoughts as his voice echoed close by. 

"JENNY!!!" 

I cringed, folding myself back against the wall as close as I could. This hiding spot was getting to old. I'd have to move out into that black pit soon, and look for a new dwelling. 

"JENNY!" 

God, he must be just outside this cave. I sit and I wait. Wait for him to come, wait for him to go. But all I can do is wait just the same, in this endless night. 

*****  
"Jenny!" The little kids in my Kindergarten class were screaming my name, begging for attention. It had been one of those days were you were in desperate need for an Advil, and yet there were none around. It was Kindergarten for God's sake, you didn't have open bottles of medicine lying around for children to get to. Unfortunately you didn't have open bottles of medicine lying around for you either. 

"What is it Mary?" I asked the little girl with bright red hair, and green eyes. 

"Todd is pulling my hair and calling me carrot. Make him stop!" She stomped her foot in irritation and pointed at the little boy in the corner of the room, busy taking away another child, Emily's, doll. Todd was a handful and on his way down the road of the Juvenile Justice System. 

I walked over to the pair and put my hands on my hips tapping my foot rapidly. It was my signal with the kids to listen up. Todd looked up and me and gave me a look of innocence. He handed back the doll to Emily. 

"There you go Emily, The dress is all fixed." 

I rolled my eyes. "Todd, you know better then to pull other people's hair. I want you to go sit in time out for ten minutes." 

Todd glared for a minute and then shrugged. "Okay. No big deal." 

He stopped back into the corner and crossed his arms over his chest. I sighed and blew the whistle around my neck, the signal for the kids to form a circle. 

Children began putting away there play toys and sitting on the bright green carpet, which really needed to be replaced. 

"Okay everyone, I want you to go to your cubby holes and pull out your crayons. Then go over to the counter and pick a piece of color construction paper of your choice. We're going to be drawing things that scare us today." 

I had hated this assignment. But it was required by the Principal. Something about working out issues of the youth in America. For me it brought up horrible pasts that I had tried to forget. 

I was walking around checking kids progress. The usual drawings appeared, dogs, snakes, spiders, rats, it was Emily's picture that stopped me. 

"What's that Emily?" 

The picture had a stick figure with big blue eyes, the cyan color in Crayola. 

"He's the man in my closet." Emily replied concentrating hard on coloring the eyes even more. 

I stared down at the top of her chestnut color curls. "The man that's in your closet? Does he have a name?" 

The girl nodded still intent on her coloring. 

"Can you tell me the name?" 

Emily shook her head. 

I changed tactics. "Does he ever say anything to you?" 

She nodded. 

I sighed, this was getting no where, fast. "Can you tell me what he said to you?" 

I could sense her hesitating and spoke quickly. "It's okay, no one has to know, but you and me." 

"He told me to watch out for you." 

I glanced at her in alarm. "Me?" 

Emily nodded her small curls bouncing against her face. "Yes, he said I should tell him how you are doing. He told me he'd give me all the candy I want ." Emily sniffled. "You won't tell my mommy will you?" 

I patted her head reassuringly. Poor thing, in a world where parents emphasized the need not to take candy and gifts from strangers, she must really be worried. 

"Don't worry, I won't tell your mom." 

The girl smiled clearly relieved, and reached for a white crayon. I remember staring at that picture, the stick figure of Julian, with white hair and blue eyes, made of crayon, and wondering what to do next. 

*****

I didn't get home to my apartment in Pacific Highs, till around six PM. I dropped by bag full of arts supplies I had bought, since the school system is too cheap to buy excess quantities of anything, and pushed play on my answering machine. 

"Hi Jenny, this is your mom, give me a call back when you can. I want to talk about getting together for 4th of July weekend. Love you, bye." 

I rolled my eyes. My mother constantly wanted me flying home for any holiday, even minor ones like the 4th of July. 

"Hi Jenny... It's Tom. Look, I know it's been a while since I've talked to you. But I really wanted to say hi, check on how you were doing. Give me a call, it's the same number. Bye." 

For a moment I just stared at the answering machine in shock. I hadn't heard from Tom in about three years. Not since a little bit after high school graduation. We had broken up our senior year, and had decided to remain friends. It had been a hard decision for both of us. Not really because we were still in love, and had a future together, but because we had been in love and had a past. But it was for the best. Even today I didn't regret the decision. We had changed, all of us as people, nothing had ever been the same after the night Julian had died. I shook my head, trying to block out that time in my life. Erase it like a pencil erasing a paragraph in a story. If I was honest with myself, I would know it wasn't possible. You can't just forget a huge part of your life. I worked every day on it, and put up a good fight, of any memory of that time, from leaking out of my mind, and into the real world. I don't know. Maybe I was fooling myself. Obviously forgetting was doing nothing. Julian had still somehow found a way back into my world, and was tormenting little innocent girls to get information. Although, why he didn't just come directly to me I don't know. Maybe he was more of a coward then I had thought.


	3. Not ready for Death, Not ready for Defeat

He found me. I don't' know how, I'm not even sure when. I had become so delusional, so out of a sense of reality that I must have drifted in and out for days. When I came to, the first thing I saw was him leaning over me. He looked so terribly lost and sad. I couldn't help but reach out a hand to touch his face. He took a hold of me, lifting me up as if I were nothing more then a mere child. I don't even know where he is now. He left a few days a go and I haven't seen him since. I feel so tired. Most of the time I just lay here sleeping. Occasionally I get up and look out the window. It's the view of the ocean. Julian had known I always loved the ocean, and so he did this to please me. I am pleased, and yet, sometimes I want to go back to my apartment so bad, that I've considered suicide. I've never known this Julian. This Julian who was tender, and yet did not give me any choice but to stay here, day after day, month after month. He shows me my life on earth. How things are going down in the busy streets of San Francisco.

The police have stopped there search for me. I have become an official "Missing person, presumed dead." I don't know what could have been a more cruel then to witness my own funeral. Family, friend gathering around my empty coffin. Tossing roses, that would soon die without fresh water, on that cold wood. I had begged Julian, "Please, Please let me go to them, let them know I'm not dead!" But my pleas had fallen on death ears. They've even replaced my position at the kindergarten. My kids, my poor kids, no longer have me as their teacher. And yet despite all this I can't help but love him. What's wrong with me? I've asked myself that many times, and yet I cannot find an answer. The first week I was here, he held me so tenderly in the night, not doing anything but letting me feel the strength of his body. But the weeks had turned to months, and the months to years, and well, you can't go on forever just holding on to one another. He was gentle when he made love to me, but I knew this wasn't right. How could I feel anything for someone who had kidnapped me and taken me away from everything? I had told him this, and he acted so unbelievably hurt.

"How could you say these things? As if I were a rapist? I've given you everything you've wanted haven't I? All you've wanted in the world."

Except my freedom.

It was there, those unspoken words between us that had turned the make believe love affair sour. The day I had asked, no, demanded to be taken back, he had been furious. Shouting things about me being ungrateful, and how I could never leave him, for I was his, for him alone. I remember getting up and leaving the room, going down the red velvet, carpeted stair way, and heading for the front door. I didn't know how, but somehow I would get home. I didn't make it very far, I was whirled around, and wrestled to the floor.

"You little fool!" he had shouted, and then explained the repercussions of stepping out into the shadow world unprotected. He tossed me to floor and stood over me chest heaving, eyes wild. I clenched my eyes shut and folded into a protective ball. The anger left as swiftly as it came, and he had picked me up, taking me upstairs. But it was still there, and the anger steadily increased over the months. And a few weeks ago when he had shook me in a fit of rage, I had decided to leave. In the middle of the night while he slept, I had carefully slipped out of the bed, and left for downstairs. As soon as I had opened the front door the ocean had disappeared in a soft hiss, and the caves had appeared. It seems all worthless now. Pointless, and a waste of time, as I sit here on the bed, this time in shackles. Chained like some wild animal to make sure I won't escape when he's gone. I sometimes wish I could die, but I'm not ready for death yet. And as I look down at the iron cuffs keeping me prisoner on this bed, I realize I'm not ready for defeat either. It's not a matter of if I escape, it's become a matter of when.

*****

The phone call to Tom had been nerve wrecking. What in the hell was I supposed to say to an old flame that hadn't contacted me in years? How's the weather down there? Hardly. Taking a deep breath to steady myself I poured myself a cup of coffee from my tiny kitchen. The apartments in this area, were nice enough. But not very big. The tiny kitchen had enough room for a gas stove, a microwave oven, a row of cupboards over a white porcelain sink. I couldn't even eat in the kitchen, and instead took my meals to the small living room. I couldn't really complain though, I mean at least I wasn't in an area that did drug deals outside the building. And the heat in the shower worked, even if the plumbing did creak and groan. Still, some day I had hoped to move into a nice big Victorian house in a small town. Raise a couple of kids, and have a dog. The epitome of American family life style. I glanced nervously down at the phone and picked up the receiver. If I was going to call, it had to be now, or I'd loose my nerve. I dialed the number.

"Hello?" A male voice greeted.

"Hi-Tom?"

There was a small pause on the other end then, "Jenny! How are you?"

I took a deep breath. "Hi. Long time since I've talked to you. How are you doing?"

"Great! How are you doing?"

"Well," I hesitated, did I tell him about Julian? "I'm fine. The Kindergarten can be rough, but other then that, things are running smoothly." I let out the sentence with a small rush of air. I didn't want to tell him about the potential of Julian's return. Not when I wasn't even sure if I was crazy. "What have you been up to?"

"Well my practice has been busy. You never run out of kidnappers to put away."

I could hear his laughter which sounded nervous to me. I briefly wondered if he too had been experiencing weird Julian phenomenal events. I could hear him rushing on.

"Listen, I'm going to be in the area next weekend, I was wondering if you wanted to go out to lunch? Catch up on our lives."

I hesitated. Did he hope to rekindle some old flame, or was it just a friend thing?

"I mean we've been friends for a long time and I thought we should find out how we're doing."

I breathed a quick sigh of relief. He only wanted to be friends.

"Sure, Tom, that would be nice."

I heard a quick sigh of relief on the other line. "Great, I'll give you a ring right before I leave. I hate to just hang up, but I have a meeting with a client in a few minutes."

"That's okay. I understand you're a busy man. I'll talk to you later then."

"All right, Bye Jenny, I'm looking forward to seeing you."

I hung up the phone wondering if this was such a good idea after all.

*****

The rest of the week had passed uneventfully. Emily was out with the flu. At first I was concerned she didn't want to talk to me after I forced her fear out of her. But that was silly of course, a five year old child understanding a motivation like that. I began thinking the whole idea of Julian coming back was some kind of fantasy I had conjured up just to make my life more interesting.

That's when the gifts had started arriving.

The following Monday, right before my appointment with Dr. Barter, a florist gift box had been at my door. Which seemed frightfully strange since you had to either be buzzed in, or have a key, to get into the apartment complex. It could easily be one of my neighbors though. I had a sweet elderly lady that lived on the floor above me. Every once in awhile she would leave baked goods before my door. Especially on rainy days when she had nothing else better to do. I entered my apartment my arm filled with grocery's, and shut the door behind me with my hip. I scooted the florist box across the floor with my foot not wanting to make two trips. Setting my grocery's down on the counter I leaned over to retrieve my package. I slipped off the silk, silver colored ribbon and lifted up the lid of the box. The sweet smell of roses immediately filled the air and I stared helplessly down at the flowers.

The silver roses.

Sterling silver roses with a note.

I grabbed the note up with shaking hands and read:

 

"How many loved your moment of glad grace,

And many loved your beauty with love false or true;

But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,

And loved the sorrows of your changing face."

 

I recognized the poem from an excerpt of William Yeats Though why I felt so calm at that moment looking down at the veil of silver roses with small drops of water clinging to there silky petals, I'll never know. These roses, were not from some elderly woman, or from an old flame, by the name of Tom Locke. They were from an entirely different type of being. One that should not, could not be alive. I picked up one of the roses, still in shock and inhaled the sweet fragrance of the single rose. It overwhelmed my sense, and for a moment I was transported back in time. I was sixteen and staring into Julian's wild blue eyes, begging him not to die, that he couldn't die. I of course didn't know what I would do with him if he had lived, but all I knew was at that moment I couldn't let him die. At that moment he had to live. But of course he didn't. And he had faded away like star dust in space, hanging there for only a brief moment of shadows and light, and then dissipating into the air.

He couldn't be back. Of course he couldn't. The only way is if someone had carved his name back in. Had found out the damn runestave, but it was impossible. And yet... what else could it be? I found myself wishing desperately for a moment it was true. Julian was back and he would take me away from my boring existence. But that was silly of course. I didn't really want that. I had my kids, my friends in the city, my parents. And although I wasn't romantically involved at the moment, I hadn't felt I needed that.

Maybe, I realized, I had been fooling myself. Secretly wanting Julian to come back, and take me away. But it was impossible because I had built a life without him. And because of that, I didn't need him sending me arrangements of heart wrenching beautiful flowers. No, I didn't need that at all.

'I hope you're watching Julian, because I am not accepting these. Where ever you are, watch me.' I carefully took the roses, caressed the perfect thorn-less stems, and opened up the sliding glass door to my balcony. I breathed in the night air, walking over to look down the edge of the railing. The cars seemed tiny from this high up, like pinpoints of light in a kaleidoscope. I took a deep breath and lifted the flowers over the edge and let go.

I watched the flowers fall, a rain of roses in the wind, down below, into the streets full of lights and shadows. Falling, and fading out of my life, like Julian had once so long ago.

 

 


	4. Into the Madness

He's back. I knew that he would come, of course. I'm surprised that it is now. I am used to the silence. The only sound my breath, or the beating of my heart. He has awakened me from my sleep. That is nothing new, I always seem to be sleeping. There really isn't much else to do here. He's standing over me his face close to mine when I open my eyes. His blue eyes staring into my green ones, a look of question in them. I blink and go to rub my eyes, but something restricts them. The chains.

"Julian." My voice comes out in a weak croak and I blush in embarrassment.

He say's only one thing.

"Why?"

I blink. He has to ask that? After all he had put me through in the last few years? Keeping me prisoner, like some exotic bird in a cage for only him to admire? I open my mouth to speak but he rushes on.

"Jenny, I know I haven't been good enough to you. I've lost my temper to much, and I realize I caused you to commit a desperate act. But I swear I can change. You're the best thing in the world to me. I love you, you know that. Just don't try and leave me again. Please, I need you."

Suddenly my hands are released the chains seeming nothing more then a distant memory.

"Julian, I-" I can't finish the sentence. What am I going to say? To this man whom knows me better then myself.

"Please, Jenny."

I stare at his face, his perfect face full of pain and hope. How can I turn him away? He's like a child sometimes. So lost and afraid of rejection. When I was sixteen he had been aggressive, charming, strong, but here, sometimes he acted like a hurt little boy about to be scolded. I touch his arm. I can't seem to help myself around him. Why can't I lead some sort of normal life? Why must I have this perfect being haunt my days and seduce my dreams? I will never be normal. His obsession has turned into mine. I need this man. I need him to show the other half at me. I look into his eyes, and know now that there is nothing I can do against him. I am helpless against my feelings, I cannot deny Julian any longer. Sometimes I feel like I have no will power, that I can only just feel. I am lost.

*****

The next gift hadn't come for several days. I thought perhaps Julian had heard my cries and had given up. It wasn't until the following Wednesday that I received my second gift. There was a lot that need to be done, papers of the kids handwriting to look over, bills to be paid, phone calls to make. A never ending chaos of chores. My life could be to hectic at times. Maybe I need a nice long vacation in the Caribbean. In the past few days Julian was never far from my thoughts. All I had to see was the color blue, or a flash of white and I was catapulted back in time. Why is it that I couldn't move on? It was like some kind of heat that was under my skin just barely contained. Sometimes when I woke I swear my lips were tingling from his kiss. I would search the darkness for his presence but it was never there. At least not that the naked eye could see. Julian was a shadow man, dead or not, he could easily be in the sea of shadows surrounding every corner of the small apartment.

"Julian?" I would whisper, whether in hope or fear, I could never decipher. I swear I would sit there for the longest time and peer into the darkness my ears straining for the slightest hint of a whisper, the slightest hint of an intake of breath. Some nights I swore I heard my name on a breath, but when I called his name again I heard nothing. Just the desperate wishes of a lonely woman. I was jerked back to the present by the buzzing from down stairs. Someone at the door. I pushed the intercom button.

"Hello?"

"Jenny, it's me."

I froze. It couldn't be, my ears were playing tricks on me. I stood frozen in time for a long while just staring at my finger a half inch above the speaker button.

"Jenny?"

I opened my mouth but no sound would come out. This couldn't be happening, I was in a dream that's what it was. This was all in my head.

"Jenny, let me in. Come on Jenny, let me up"

I felt like I was outside my body as I pushed the buzzer that would unlock the door to let Julian in.

I sat down on a chair across from the kitchen counter waiting for the door to open. Would he knock, or just come right in? Why was I so calm. Shouldn't I be running to the balcony and throwing myself over it?

I sat there for God knows how long before I realized no one was coming to the door. I looked at the clock. I think fifteen minutes had passed. I cautiously got up from my chair and walked toward the door. I imagined all sorts of scenarios.

Julian really was there. He was waiting for me to open the door so he could grab me. He was going to take me away, before I could do anything. Why was I opening the door?

I opened the door.

The hallway was empty.

I looked around when I noticed a package right before my door.

Oh, no.

I shouldn't pick it up. I can't pick it up. But I do. I'm compelled by some force I don't understand. I vowed never to let Julian take my thoughts. But here I was desperate to know what he had given me. I had to know.

No matter what the costs.

 


	5. Melting of a Mind

Things have been different for awhile. I don't fight Julian and he believes I have given in. But what does giving in mean to me? Sometimes I feel that if I give in all life will be a beautiful thing. But for some reason that I cannot understand, I still want my freedom. I am finally beginning to realize what a fish in a fish bowl must feel like. Swimming around the round glass bowl endlessly wishing for a giant ocean or pond. For now though I have earned Julian's trust. I try and tell myself that it's all apart of my devious plan. I'm earning his trust like any kidnapped victim would but secretly I'm waiting for my one moment of escape. I don't know. It's frustrating and exhausting to think of this too often, and so most of the time when I should be planning my flight I lay back and enjoy the view.   
  
Electric blue clouds the color of his eyes, encased in purple sky. The ocean sometimes turns to a rainbow in colors I can't even imagine. It's like the place he promised me so long ago has become real. Maybe I have gone mad and this is all in my head. But God, what a lovely way to go crazy. Julian is always trying to console me.   
  
"Jenny, I swear to you, you have not gone mad."   
  
I think I scare him sometimes. I don't mean to but I can easily go off into my own little world. It's hard to imagine where I am half the time. I begin to think this is the true torture to human's in the Shadow world. The constant need to reassure ourselves that we have not gone crazy. The worlds blending and melting in your mind as you tell yourself over and over that you are sane and this isn't a dream. But it's so hard. And half the time I feel as if my brain has melted into a blend of watercolors and crayon wax. But Julian is always there and for now he makes me feel safe. God, what is safe? I think my definition is slowly changing. Safe used to be cuddled in front of a fireplace reading a good book. Now it's in the arms of my captive with him constantly whispering sane words in my ears."You are here. You are here. You are here."  
  
*****  
My fingers hesitated on the brown packaging of the box. What would be inside? A snake like The Creeper? 

God . I thought I had forgotten all about that snake. Things were coming back to me in the utmost unpleasant way. I had shoved things down in my mind so far that now when they were coming back it was like being under a murky pond trying to fight my way up to the surface. Almost as if I were out of my body I began to move to a kitchen drawer which would hold the scissors to open the box. "What am I doing?!" I asked myself silently. Unwillingly I watched my hand open the drawer and pull out the scissors. It was like I wasn't even in control of my own body. 

Terrified, filled with a sense of utter foreboding I watched my fingers grip the scissors opening the hard plastic loops so that the blades pointed towards the box. I slit the box open.   
Swallowing hard I pulled back the cardboard flaps to reveal shavings of paper. So this was his game. A treasure hunt.  
Knowing it must have utter insanity I tore through the packaging. Flinging the paper over my shoulder, under my arms, anywhere as long as it was out of the way of what ever horror awaited me. At last I came to a small box. It was shaped like a ring box.

Jesus.

My hands trembling I picked it up and opened it all ready knowing what I would find. The golden ring , the marriage band. Not marriage in any normal sense of the word but a wedding of your soul. And I couldn't even explain why I slowly pinched the ring between my two fingers taking it from it's bed of velvet.   
I was holding it up and looking at the inscription. Holding it up so the light could catch on the tiny engravement of words. 

"All I refuse and thee I chuse." 

Ha. What a joke. I had thrown away the ring that said, "I am my only master." a few years after Julian had died. I hadn't wanted to remember anything dealing with him. I just wanted to forget that entire chunk of my life. 

But I found myself wanting to put the ring on my finger.

"What are you doing!?" My mind was screaming at me trying to put some sense into the body that had somehow become something separate. I was watching my right hand move slowly towards my left sweat trickling down in between my shoulder blades settling in a pool at my lower back. My mouth became dry and I tried to swallow but just ended up choking. 

The phone rang.

My head cocked ever so slightly in the direction of the ringing phone on the wall. But my hand in what should have been seconds, seemed to take minutes, still moved at a crawl towards my left ring finger. 

The phone continued to ring. 

Slowly I put the ring down on the counter and reached for the phone.

"Hello?" My voice croaked and I swallowed trying to be able to speak clearly. 

"Jenny?" 

Tom.

"It's me." I replied. I began to feel slightly dizzy and leaned against the wall for support. 

"Jenny, are you okay? I've been worried sick. I've been trying to get a hold of you for a week. I thought we had a lunch date."His voice came out half worried half anger. Afraid that I stood him up, I thought.

"I'm sorry Tom. It's been an awful week. I totally forgot. If you don't have time to go out sometimes this week I understand." I felt bad, and a little scared. I must have totally zoned out the entire week. What was I like with my kids?

"No, no. I can still go out. We can talk about what's wrong with your week. I'm very concerned about you Jenny. Your mom says you're seeing a therapist. "

My mouth dropped open. "She what!?"

There was a guilty pause on the other end. "Well she's worried about you Thorny."

Thorny.

Unbelievable.

"Well there's no need to be, I'm just fine." I said tightly. 

"Well, uh. How about lunch tomorrow?"

I wanted to throw the phone down and hang up on him. I wanted to tell just exactly what I thought of him. But I also wanted to find out if my mom had said anything else, and if Julian might have contacted him too. He was more likely open up in front of me if we were together in person then on the phone.  "Sure," I said coolly. "Tomorrow."

I hung up the phone and looked down at the counter. The ring I would burn it. Throw it in some incinerator like I should have six years ago.  
Except it was gone.

My eyes stared in disbelieve. This couldn't be happening. I dropped to my knees on the floor and began frantically searching. Running my fingers along the crack that separated the counter and the linoleum hoping the ring had dropped down there. 

Nothing.

The ring was gone. 

Or maybe I had finally gone mad

 


	6. Choices

I think I have been asleep for a long while. Not just hours, but days, maybe even weeks. When I awake it's to see Julian staring at me. He seems to be staring at me with a deep and utter sadness. I freeze. This isn't his normal expression. Something has gone wrong. "What is it?"

  
He looks at me for a long moment hesitating, and then finally asks. "Do you want to go back?"

What? After all these months he's finally offering to take me back? I must be dreaming again. My crazy dreams filled with light and darkness, filled with flickering shadows and distant flashes of childhood.

Maybe this is some type of new torture. That must be it, this is a new game he's conjured up to trick me. I must answer very carefully so I don't make any mistakes. One wrong answer and maybe I am doomed to spend my life in the caves.

My soul is arguing with my delusional brain. Julian wouldn't trick you like that. He just wouldn't. He loves you.

He's holding you captive against your will. He's making you stay here forever with no choice in the matter. 

My mind went back and forth arguing like that, until I cried out. "What kind of trick is this?"

He gives me a look of utter hurt. "You haven't been yourself Jenny. I’m extremely concerned. All I wanted was for you to love me. And now-now it's like you just lay there and sleep all day."

"No, I don't believe you. You just want to make me hurt in some new way. This is some kind of torture."

"Jenny, I have never intentionally hurt you. You seem to think I’m some kind of monster when all I did was love you." He reaches out and touches my face. Slowly, gently my head tilts back ready to accept a kiss. I feel a burning sensation, hot and freezing at the same time as feelings explode in my mind and body. This is trick also I realize, more seduction. 

"No, please no." But it's all a lie I realize. For I’m the one grabbing him desperately pulling him towards me and pulling at his shirt. I'm the one who wants to feel his naked chest against my skin. 

It was Julian who broke the kiss.

"Jenny, it's your choice. I want you to have it. Do you want me to take you back?" 

I look down at my hands which are clinging to his in a death grip. I don't want him to let go of me but at the same time I want to run away. I don't know what to do with these conflicting emotions anymore. What am I to do? Stay, go. Go, stay. It's up to me I realize. He's serious if I tell him to take me back he will.  
I look at his eyes which seem darker at that moment almost blue-black. He looks terrified but determined. Terrified of losing me.   
I know I need to make a choice. And a month ago it would have been easy. I would have been packing my bags. Racing for the door. I cannot understand why I am hesitating. But seeing him look so sad and remembering the feel of his hands on my body is making me hesitate. 

I have a choice to make and I have no idea what it will be. 

*****  
The restaurant I chose was small and quaint. I didn't want something crowded and noisy when I just wanted to make this lunch date as short as possible. I just need to find my information and get out of there. I looked around the Italian eatery wondering where in the world Tom was.

He actually found me first. 

"Jenny?"

I turned around towards the voice and then stopped recognizing the boy who had once been the love of my life. He was no longer the handsome boy with his high school charm. He looked more defined, older and more mature. His hair had become darker and he wore it slightly longer, and his face more chiseled. He looked great but I didn't really feel attracted to him.

"Hello Tom."

His face broke out into a huge grin and he wrapped his arms around me. I remained stiff, feeling uncomfortable at his closeness. What is wrong with me? It's just Tom. But I didn't care I didn't want him touching me.

I broke away from him and told him that we had reservations. He glanced at me in surprise and then shrugged good naturally. 

When the waiter seated us I finally spoke. "You look good Tom."

I felt awkward and confused. I didn't really know why I felt so angry and uncomfortable around him. It didn’t make sense, after all we hadn’t broken up on bad terms.

He gave me a strange look. "Thank you. Jenny, I wanted to apologize for the way I acted on the phone the other day. It was none of my business whether you're having problems or not. I was just so worried about you. Your mom said you haven't called her in almost a month. And you look tired Jenny. And you've lost some weight. You just don't look very good."

I gave him an icy glare. "Well thank you very much. We've been here together less then five minuets and your criticizing my looks." 

He held up his hands in surrender. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I promise not to talk about how you look or feel. So what's new in your life?"

I hesitated. I wanted desperately to tell him what was happening. But I knew he would think I had lost it. 'Better to let him bring it up first. See if anything like that is happening to him also,' I, thought.

"Nothing much. You know I have my kids in the kindergarten. Todd, this little boy there is a real pain in the ass. He's always causing trouble for all the little kids. But I have the sweetest little girl named Emily. I just adore her."

Tom smiled. "I always thought you would be a great mother."

I managed to give him a weak smile. "How's your practice going?"

"It's going fairly well. I have a guy who's trying to plead insanity. The only insane thing about it is that the jury is going along with it. Get this, this guy who kidnapped this little girl, she disappeared, and he claims that he didn't really do it. See we know she's dead. We found more then enough of her blood all over the location that he kept her at. But there was no body. He keeps trying to say that he kidnapped her but that these shadows came out of the walls and they were the ones that really took her away. He thinks he must be insane. I think he's making it all up. I can't believe the jury is actually going for it…"

Tom's voice slowly became more and more faint as I stared off into space. Shadows out of the wall? It sounded a lot like the shadow men to me. Could they be back? Could they be the ones responsible for the ring, and the flowers and the look a like Julian? Maybe Julian was still dead after all and the shadow men we’re just trying to trick me. 

I couldn't believe it but at that moment a flash of disappointment went through me. Was I crazy? Did I actually want to see Julian again? Even if did want him alive I certainly didn't want him going after me again, right? 

"Jenny? Jenny? Are you listening to me?"

I blinked and shook my head. "I'm sorry Tom, what were you saying?"

Tom stared at me for a moment before replying. "I asked if you were still planning on working for that computer company on the side?"

"Oh, I haven't really thought about it anymore. I’ve been so busy with my kids."

"Oh. Well that's understandable. Teaching a kindergarten class would be hard work."

I nodded slightly and faded out again as he droned on. I stared at the candle flame on the white linen table cloth. It was flickering reminding me of the light in the cave when I had almost died and Julian had rescued me. 

"-And I'm engaged now."

I jerked back to the present. "Wha-what?"

He stared at me for a pause. "I'm engaged. Her name is Karen. You'd really like her. She’s very sweet. I met her at a court trial. She’s a court reporter."

"Oh," I said flatly. I didn't really know how to respond. I wasn't jealous, not really. It was just the idea of my old boyfriend, the former love of my life getting married was too weird. An uneasy pause broke over the table. 

"Well, well, that's great. Congratulations." I wanted to crawl under the table. My voice had come out completely stunned. Idiot, I thought to myself.

Tom gave a half smile. "Uh-ya. Thanks. So what about you any new loves in your life?"

I stared at him and wondered if that was a sarcastic question. Did he know about the possibility of Julian’s return? No, no of course not, I reassured myself. "Oh well you know, no one serious but plenty of dating." I hadn't dated in over a year. 

"That's great."

Another long pause broke over the table. Thank God lunch had arrived right then or we might have broken the world record for silence. Tom dug into his steak with more enthusiasm then necessary, and I began to pick at my chicken salad with far more concentration then needed. It looked like things hadn't changed between us since the last time we had met together. We were still feeling awkward. 

And for the second time in the short period of weeks, for reasons that I again couldn't explain I found myself longing for Julian to be sitting across from me instead of my ex-boyfriend.   
Julian whom was supposed to no longer exist.

 


	7. Illusions

I've been sleeping again. I'm beginning to think I don't do much of anything else. When I awake this time it's to see Julian sitting in a chair across the room. I sit up slowly, leaning against the bed post when a wave of dizziness passes over me.

"Julian, I've made a decision."

He glances at me from the chair with a mixture of confusion and amusement. "Oh, you have, have you?"

I give him a funny look. Now what did he mean by that? "Yes. I'd like to go back. You see I have a life down there, one that doesn't involve you. Now maybe if you hadn't died and we could have gone from there …But you see it's just too late." 

He stared at me for just a moment and then threw back his head and laughed. 

"I mean it Julian."

He then looked at me thoughtfully. "Yes, Yes. I can see that you do. Only I really don't care. I told you once and it hasn't changed. I'm never letting you go. This isn't like the last game Jenny. There is no roll of the dice. You're here forever and that's that."

I swallowed against my anger. Remain calm, I tell myself. Don't stoup to his level. "Julian," I say as calmly as possible. "You promised me just a yesterday, or was it a few days ago? Well, anyway, you promised to give me a choice of whether I want to stay or go."

His heavy lashes dropped for in instant in an attempt to conceal his amusement. "Oh, really? Do you think I’m stupid Jenny?" 

"I don't know what you mean."

"Well let me make it more clear to you. Do you really think that you telling me I gave you a choice is going to make me doubt myself? I know I would never give you this option.” 

I look at him in growing anger. "Julian, you promised me. You just told me no more then a few days ago that you would give me a choice of my freedom or to stay here. You're not going to go back on your word now are you?" 

Now Julian looked at me in concern. "Jenny, I'm very concerned about you. I think you must be losing your mind." 

I stand up in anger and march over to him. I tower over him sitting in the chair and poke my index finger at his chest, once, twice, hard. "Now listen here Julian, I don't appreciate you going back on your word. You've always been a man of honor in spite of the rotten things you've done. Are you really going to start changing now?"   
Julian stood swiftly from his sitting position and the roles were reversed. He towers over me and grabs my wrists twisting them a bit, forcing me to my knees in front of him. 

A begging position and one I don't like.

"Julian, I want my freedom. Now you can pretend that you never said anything but that doesn't change the fact that I want my freedom and I want it now."

He gives me a look that sends a chill through me and for a moment I am rendered speechless. "Don't make me put you up in chains again Jenny. I will if have to."I swallow and begin to cry. "Why are you doing this to me? What have I ever done to you?"

  
His look, full of dispassion, glances at me one last time before heading for the door. "I'm heading down for breakfast if you wish to join me then get yourself together and come. But if you insist on acting like this then stay in your room. I don't want to hear you running about the house. And Jenny, if you aren't playing games with me, I'm really very worried that you're losing your mind."

I glare at him. “You're the one that's lost it Julian.”

He gives me one more look of concern and twists the gold knob of the door, pulling it open and stepping through into the darkness of the hall. He shuts the door behind him with a quiet swish.

I am not crazy, I tell myself over and over. He's trying to confuse you, make you vulnerable so that you will give in to him. So that you won't want to leave. He's trying to make you dependent on him, that way you'll have no choice but to stay with him.

The sun is setting fast over the ocean now throwing a wave of shadows and orange glow over the room. The walls normally a cream color, appear and orange-gold in the evening light. I stare out across the walls and hear Julian's voice once again.

I'm worried that you're losing your mind.

I am left alone to ponder his words.

*****  
Tom had dropped me off an hour later and the uncomfortable silence between us grew. I couldn't help but think that this was Julian's influence in some way. After all it had never been this bad between us before. I had given him a hug goodbye and sent him on his way. He had promised to call me soon. I doubted that though. I knew he had his new wife to be, Erin, or Karen, or whatever the hell her name is. He wouldn't have time to remember me. 

I felt another wave of loneliness wash over me, even though I knew it wasn’t loneliness for Tom. 

I put my barely touched left over lunch in the fridge and bent down to grab a silver kettle to make tea in.

The tea kettle made a hollow ting, ting sounds as the water hit the cold metal. It reminded me of the way the water had first sounded when it had rushed through the caves in the amusement park.

Shivering slightly, I set the stove on high and went to sit in the living room. 

I was exhausted from the short outing with Tom and I wasn’t even sure why. It was ridiculous really, I hadn't done anything strenuous. Just a little lunch outing. But lately I seemed to tire quite easily. 

Leaning my head back across the back of the chair I watched the strange shadows flicker across the ceiling. 

One thing that had never changed since meeting Julian, was how I had become to be so aware of shadows. Watching them move across the ceiling made me nervous and comforted at the same time. It was as if I were afraid and hopeful of Julian's return.

The shadows were moving slowly over my head, moving almost like sludge and merging into strange shapes. 

I sat up abruptly and glanced wildly around my apartment. Now that wasn't normal. Shadows just didn't do that. There was nothing in my apartment that would make that sort of movement or pattern. I stood and began walking slowly around the apartment. I felt a prickling sensation on the back of my neck as my hair stood on end. 

I was not alone.

I knew it as certainly as I had known that Julian would come back after I had locked him in the closet in the first game. 

Something made a noise in the closet at the end of the hallway.

It's all in your head, it's all in your head. I began chanting to myself first silently, and then out loud. I wanted to hear the sound of my own voice.  
Why did I let Tom go? Why didn't I invite him in for a cup of coffee. I crept towards the closet trying to keep control of my erratic breathing. Don't let it know you’re here. I told myself.   
It's Julian, my mind screamed. He's going to take you away again. I didn't really know that though. How did I know that it wasn't a rat, or maybe even a burglar?  
A burglar, Jesus. Why was I doing this to myself. It could very well be a some kind of rodent. 

I was sure that it wasn't.

I thought better of just opening the closet door, and ran back to the kitchen to grab a large shiny butcher knife. 

Once again I walked towards the closet grabbing the knife so tightly I was sure my skin would tear around my knuckles. 

Finally after what seemed like hours I was in front of the closet door. You can do this, I told myself, you're a big girl. 

I felt like I was five years old again. Well, five years old with some of the knowledge I have today. When I was five pulling open the closet door had been a fun adventure. Now pulling open the closet door was a terrified memory of the past and present blurring together. Would it be shadow men? Julian? 

God, any normal person would think it was some pest or at the very least a psycho killer. But my experiences had jaded me. Taking a deep breath I yanked open the closet and found nothing.

Nothing but the normal darkness of a closet.

Then something gave a high pitched shriek.

Screaming I thrust the knife in front of me ready to hold off whatever was about to come after me.

Nothing did.

And yet the shrieking continued. It was then I realized how tired, and how jumpy Julian had really made me.

It was the damned tea kettle. My tea was ready and I had forgotten all about it. Cursing silently to myself I headed into the kitchen and turned the stove off. The horrible shrieking stopped immediately. 

Why do the people who manufacture these stupid things have to make it emit such a horrible screaming sound? It sounds like someone is being axe murdered. With shaking hands I grabbed my tea bag set it in my tiny china cup and poured the hot water. The hot steam hitting my face caused chills to break over my body. The smell of cinnamon hit my face and I inhaled it calming myself with the spicy fragrance. I think I really was going crazy. Hearing noises, seeing strange shadows. Maybe it was a good thing I was keeping my appointments with

Dr. Barter. Maybe I should start taking the medication he said would help me with my delusions. 

The rest of the night passed uneventfully.

 


	8. Uncertainty

Julian hasn't come in the room for a few days now. I know I am crazy. How else can I explain the fact that Julian insists he never promised me my freedom. I remember the moment so clearly. I want it to be at the very least a vivid dream. That would then prove that I'm not crazy; but I am certain that I did not dream this event. And therefore the only answer left is that I have completely lost it.

It scares the hell out of me.

When I was sixteen I never told anyone how much I related to my cousin Zach. He always thought that when Julian had kidnapped us he had gone insane. I kept to myself that I always thought there might have been the slightest chance that I too had gone mad. Oh, not at first of course. But as the years became more, and my memories less, I began to question myself. 

That is, when I wasn't trying to forget the past completely. Who knows, maybe I am in a mental institution right this minute. Maybe they have me so full of drugs that this is all some kind of dream and I'm just drifting in some kind of comatose state. 

I want to be free from this either way. Please God, let me accept the inevitable. Let me be either at home waking up in bed, or let me accept that I want Julian to live, and for us to be together. 

I've been thinking a lot to myself lately, after all there isn't much else to do. Why did Julian change? Even if this was my altered state wouldn't I have wanted him like he was when he died?

Did I really want him cruel and cunning like he was in the beginning of the game?

I think I find comfort in his cruelty. It makes everything more real, more vivid. If he is loving, and gentle I know that I have escaped to some fantasy world where everything is to perfect. If he is cruel then I know that this can't be a fantasy because why would I want Julian to make me feel so sad and helpless inside?

I want him to come back. I beg my mind to bring him back so that we can hold each other in this soft twilight. So, that I can forget everything in life and just see how I exist in his eyes. 

Where are you Julian? Why can't my mind bring you back? 

Are you real or just an illusion that my mind has conjured up?

I do not have the answer.  
  


*****  
Nothing strange has happened in a few weeks now. Everything seems to be blurring and fading into another past. Did I dream up Julian? After all, I have no proof that he was even here except my own thoughts which I'm not even sure are really there.

The ring is gone, the flowers I threw over the side, also gone. When I went to go look for them a few nights later there wasn't even a trace of a rose petal.

I am keeping fairly busy even though it's hard to concentrate because my mind keeps wondering to Julian and whether he's alive or dead, or if I'm just insane. 

I need to plan a trip to the zoo with my kids. It's tomorrow and I still have yet to confirm that there are parent volunteers coming. Classes of twenty-five kids are hard to control in big areas all by yourself.

Tom called yesterday just to see how I was. I find it vaguely amusing that he is still concerned about me. And yet oddly when I heard his voice asking me if I was okay I felt like crying. I wanted to scream I am not okay! I'm going crazy; Tom tell me I am not going crazy!

But of course, after I said I was fine, he went on casually to talk about his day and his plans for the wedding with Karen. 

It hurt to hear him talk about her. Not because I want him, but because I'm so envious that he has met someone he can be happy with. I can only think of Julian.

No, no, that's not right. I don't need Julian remember?

But when I say this I'm only lying to myself. 

Everything makes me think of Julian, and sometimes when I feel especially crazy I feel like taking Emily home with me and demanding that she tell me about him. What does he say to her?

What does he look like? Will she tell Julian I miss him?

Where the hell that came from I don't know. Emily doesn't even speak of him anymore. Every time I ask about him she just shrugs and continues with her handwriting lesson or her coloring.

This is what's the most disturbing. Is she shrugging because she's afraid to talk about him, or is she denying his existence entirely?  
I want to believe that I am not truly crazy but Dr. Barter has me convinced otherwise. Every session he goes over the improbability of actually believing in other realms, of magic and runes.   
I'm also beginning to wonder if the pills the doctor has been giving me are making me believe him. Because the longer I take them the more I think I must be mad to think the whole events of six years ago are true. What sane person would believe that a shadow man had said he was in love with her and would do anything to have her?

I was tempted at times to call my old friends to confirm that I was indeed not crazy, but a part of me can't help but want to grab desperately on to the notion that Julian was never real.  
After all, I'm far too old to believe in fairy tales. Besides if I didn't believe that Julian ever existed then that meant he wasn't really here tormenting me in the present.   
I need stability in my life. I need to work with my kids and forget about ever being hopeful that maybe there was a world beyond this one. A world that didn't have to deal with violence and pain. One where it would just be me and Julian together. 

One of perfection and light.  
  
*****

The zoo was crowded and muggy. I already had a pulsing headache behind my right eye from the kids begging to see their favorite animal. After Paying for the tickets I had all of my kids line up and pick partners. They would have to stick with their partners for the whole day.

Unfortunately there were an odd number of students. Emily stood by herself against the metal fence giving me a look of utter rejection and sadness. 

"Don't worry Emily, you can be my partner." 

The little girl rushed right over to me and clutched on to my hand. I had to smile. I thought maybe I had scared Emily off with my constant pressure for her to reveal to me what Julian was doing. But apparently the short term memory of kids strikes again.

By this time the kids were all shouting with excitement about all the animals they were going to see. I blew my whistle and the kids quieted down.

"Okay we're going to start off looking at the birds, then the mammals, like lions and bears. Then we'll look at the reptiles, like alligators and snakes.

Some of the kids looked a little nervous at the words snakes. I didn't feel so hot myself about seeing the slimy creatures. We started towards the bird cages and under my watchful eye the kids stuck together holding hands with their chosen partner.

The birds, simply stated, were beautiful. Vibrant greens, yellows, and reds flashing in the morning sunlight. The kids excited laughter made me feel warm inside. This is why I had become a kindergarten teacher.

Deep down inside me I was aware of the fact that I thought I would never have children. I don't know why I thought this way. It was just something that I had always known in my heart. That was why I had become a teacher which made far less money then the computer graphic company I had originally wanted to go into. 

But it was moments like these that truly made teaching worth while. When the kids were in awe over the simplest things like a bird. 

I couldn't help but notice one bird in particular. He was a beautiful golden white. I had never seen a bird quite this color. Oh, I had seen white birds or yellow birds, but never one in this combination. It reminded me of the sands in Hawaii, when I had gone there on my senior trip in high school. 

The bird seemed to be staring at me.

I blinked, took my unoccupied right hand, and rubbed my eyes. It was still looking at me. I studied the bird closer. It was perched away from the others. In it's own solitaire area off to the upper right hand corner of the cage. All the other birds were at the very least in pairs of two. This one was the only one in the whole cage by it self. 

It's eyes appeared to be blue.

Oh, God. That wasn't normal. Birds had black beady eyes, never blue ones. Chills swept over me and I let out an involuntary gasp. 

Emily was tugging persistently at my hand. I glanced down at her.

"What is it, Emily?"

She pulled me down towards her. I bent over to a crouching position next to her. She leaned in to whisper in my ear. Her warm breath caused my flesh to break out into Goosebumps.

"You can have the bird if you want."

I stared into her innocent eyes, but for some reason they didn't look so innocent at that moment. "What do you mean Emily?"

"He told me. He said, if there is anything she wants tell her she can have it."

"Who told you this?"

"You know, him." She smiled a little and unexpectedly pulled out a blue colored lollipop. I continued to stare at her as she popped the sucker into her mouth and tugged at my hand.

Helplessly I followed her as the tour guide lead the children towards the mammal cages. 

"Emily, are you talking about Julian?"

Emily was still tugging at my arm and turned and smiled at me. "I love the lions the best." 

I glance at her in confusion. "What?"

"The lions," She replied. "Their like big giant kitty cats." 

She then broke free of my arm and skipped off to join the other kids who were now a few feet ahead of us. I followed her filled with questions and uncertainty. 

I tried to get Emily to talk more about Julian but she kept changing the subject. Pretending she hadn't head me or that had she never said anything at all. 

Give me a break, I thought. I did not imagine her saying something about Julian. That would make me truly insane. I swallowed and turned to see the monkey's in their cages.

I could barely concentrate on what the tour guide was saying about the animals. My mind kept going back to the bird in the cage with the watchful strange blue eyes. By now I just wanted the field trip to be over. I didn't want to have to stay in the warm sun with these strange feelings coursing through my body. It felt like I was being watched, it felt like I was being kissed.   
I continued to watch Emily very carefully. Watching her stick that blue sucker in her mouth and pulling it out. It left a blue coating on her tongue, the color of Julian's eyes. Disgusted with myself for thinking of him once again I tugged Emily closer to the front to hear the tour guide.

"Next we'll be moving on to the reptiles. Children please don't tap your fingers on any of the glass and hold your partner's hand the whole time. This way please."

I reluctantly followed the tour guide towards a black colored building. It was off to the side of the of the facility. It looked almost like a hot house and very cut off from the rest of the park. 

Like the More Games store was.

I stiffened my shoulders and marched forward practically dragging Emily who was emitting small protests. I ignored her and persevered forth. I wanted to face my fear. Don't be stupid, it's a perfectly normal snake house.

Well, as normal as a snake house could be. 

The tour guide, I think his name was Bob, pulled open the snake house door and ushered kids in one pair at a time. 

The smell and heat that hit me was overwhelming. I smelt cedar, and the heat was so dry I felt my throat choking up. I gagged slightly and went for my purse to pull out a piece of gum. Maybe it would keep my mouth slightly moist. 

Staring at all the snakes and tarantulas with their beady eyes and furry bodies was making me feel dizzy and nauseous. I wanted to lean against something solid but the only solid thing in the room appeared to be the glass. No way in hell was I going to get that close to any of those things. Now even the snakes appeared to be staring at me. As I passed each of the areas and peered in, their bodies seemed to uncoil and there small heads seemed to raise to look at me. I swallowed and didn't dare move a muscle. For some reason I couldn't explain, I felt sure that if I moved the snakes would strike. That they would somehow break the glass and kill me.

Their beady like eyes looked out from the cage with no feeling. Of course there was no emotion, I say to myself. There snakes, they don't have emotion. But it seemed like they looked at me with a coldness beyond usual. Chills swept over me and I backed away from the cages only to bump into another parent volunteer.

"Excuse me," I mumbled, turned away, and went to grip Emily's hand harder. 

Except she wasn't there.

Frantically I looked around the room for a hint of her curls but saw nothing. I didn't want to call out her name and look irresponsible, and so I kept my search to a silent one. 

"This snake is called the western diamondback, it's shorter and thicker then the timber rattlesnake that you previously saw. The venom is highly poisonous to humans and occasionally kills them. So you need to be very careful if you ever come across one. Make sure you go and get an adult right away, but move slowly. Any sudden movements can annoy a snake."

Bob's monotonous voice went on as he explained about the different reptiles and I stayed behind looking for Emily. She was no where to be seen. Just when I was about to head for the entrance, thinking perhaps she went outside, I heard soft weeping. 

"Emily?" I called softly glancing in every darkened, shadowy corner.

"Emily, are you here?"

"I'm here." 

The sad sounding voice definitely belonged to Emily. I headed in the direction it came from, right in front of a King Snake. She was there crouching in the corner up against the only space free of the divide. She looked up, her eyes wet and glistening with unshed tears. 

"What's the matter baby?" I crouched down next to her and took a hold of her hand to try and comfort her.

"I don't like snakes. They're scary." She was crying openly now tears coursing down her chubby cheeks giving her the serene quality of a doll.

"They can't hurt you honey. There behind glass." 

"I don't believe you. I know they can escape."

"I promise, Emily. They won't hurt you. Just hold on to my hand and we"ll be out soon."

She shook her head in protest.

I tried to reason with her. 'Emily, the sooner you come with me the sooner we can get out of here." 

"We can never get out of here," She whispered.

I smiled patiently. "Of course we can, Emily, the door is right down the hall. We only have a few areas left. "

She looked down at the floor once again, and rubbed the tip of her tennis shoe into small designs on the cold floor.

"Emily," I said gently, "We need to go now."

She looked up at me once again and I froze. Her expression was a mixture of pity, sorrow, and fear.

There was something not quite right about that expression. It had far too much maturity for a five- year old. 

She sniffled and continued to trace the floor. "We can't leave. You're wrong."

I began to get mad from part fear of the unknown and partly from wanting to leave. "Emily let's go now."

Emily finally straitened, and looked at me. She froze. Her eyes growing huge as if she were staring at something behind me. I swung around stepping in front of Emily to protect her from whatever force was there. 

It was empty.

I gulped and turned back around ready to grab Emily's hand and run out of the reptile house. 

"He's here. Can you feel him?"

"Who's here Emily? Who?"

She broke away from me and stood in the middle of the room her eyes staring wildly into the dimness of shadows.

"Him." That was all she would say as she stood there hypnotized by some unseen force. 

"Emily," I whispered shaking her a little more roughly then I had planned. "Emily!" 

I don't know why I was whispering, but I felt that there was someone present. That if he heard where I was located he could grab me and then it would all be over. 

The others seemed to have gone out of the building entirely. Weren't they wondering where I was? 

"He's not going to let you go." It was Emily's voice again. The tiny persistent voice coming from the girl still standing in the middle of the room. The darkness and red heating lamps were throwing strange shadows on her face. She had a half smile on her face. She looked almost possessed.

"Emily come over here right now!" I needed to protect her. Whatever was out there was not about to harm one of my kids.

Emily wasn't listening. She was walking towards something. I don't know what it was exactly, but I knew there was something, or someone there. To the naked eye it would appear as the rest of the reptile house. Dark and strangely lit with flickering movement and hissing tongues. But it was pure feeling, pure animal terror from the times when human beings relied solely on other senses, that made me aware that I was not alone. 

I finally ran up and grabbed Emily by the arm pulling her with me towards the exit. Except the exit was no longer there.  
It had vanished. 

Sobbing quietly now I looked for any windows I could break through. At that point I was even willing to climb over snake and tarantulas, anything to get away from this smothering feeling. I lifted my leg to climb over a ledge that I thought had possibly contained a window earlier. I don't know how I didn't notice before how dark the room had become. It would have been pitch black if not for the florescent lights. The feeling of claustrophobia swept over me like suffocating blanket.

"Uruz."

I stilled instantly, turning slowly to see Emily once again standing over the place where she had been marking with her shoe.

"God," I whispered out loud. She had been tracing a rune. Not just any rune but the rune to pierce two worlds. My years of forgetting everything about the shadow world had cost a price. I had forgotten how to protect myself.

I leaped down and ran to Emily at full force, just as I reached her a blinding flash enveloped me. 

Crying out and covering my eyes I felt Emily's small trembling body pressed up against mine. I shielded her holding her against me to try and protect her from whatever was coming.

The brightness faded leaving dancing color of lights in my vision. I wanted to turn around and look behind me. The feeling of eyes staring into my back was so strong I felt sick. 

I must turn around, I thought frantically. I have to. I need to protect Emily. I pivoted slowly making sure to hold Emily behind me with one arm, my other arm clenching into a tight fist, ready to try and defend myself.

What a joke, I couldn't protect myself against what ever was out there. It was a million times stronger and quicker then my human weakness. 

I turned anyway, and the past was thrown in my face.

He stood there, as still as my breath had become. The shadows and florescent light doing nothing to affect his beauty. He looked almost exactly as I remembered him. Slightly older, and if I thought possible, even more breathtaking. His face partly in shadow, partly under the glow of the heating lamps had a half smile curving his lips. He was dressed in snake skin pants and a tight black muscle shirt that clung to his chest.

When he opened his mouth to speak I braced myself against one of the glass enclosures completely ignoring the warning hiss of a reptile.

"Jenny."

One word that was all it took before the shadows crept into my mind overwhelming the light, and then caused complete darkness.  
I think he caught me before I fell.

 


	9. Epilogue

'm sitting across from Julian at the table I have deemed the "Table of Silence." We sit, we eat, and the only thing it can remind me of is my childhood. The times when my mom and dad would sit at the breakfast table so that we could have "family time." Then we would just sit there, shovel food in our mouths, and my parents would read the newspaper.   
I feel sad and alone at this table, and finally tell Julian so.  
He smiles. "Well then, let's go upstairs."   
He lifts me up in his arms and carries me up the grand staircase. It feels just like a scene out of Gone with the Wind which again makes me doubt that any of this is real.  
I don't care.  
As my loved ones on earth become more and more distant I feel more safe in Julian's arms. I think the uncertainty in life can become overwhelming at times. My kids will grow up and get old and realize that life is not as innocent as it appears. I don't know, maybe I learned that lesson to soon with my Grandfather's disappearance and with the deep knowledge that monsters really do exist, at the tender age of five.   
As I became older I convinced myself that I could forget. That I could live life once again as an innocent child through my kids eyes. But that was such a naive thought, confirmed by the events of Julian's supposed return.   
Did he return? I think so…and I don't. It doesn't really seem to matter as Julian stands in the middle of the soft gold lit room and beings to stroke my face.   
I don't think the pain of Julian dying ever really left me. He showed me how passionate life could be with him existing in this world. Even if he isn't really here I don't think he ever left me. And so as he begins to undress me I shiver and accept that this is the way my life must be.

  
I guess you can say that if I am crazy I have learned to accept my life with him. Even if he is only a fantasy. He makes me feel loved and safe and I am grateful even if I have lost my mind.  
After all, my insane world with Julian is better then my old life filled with uncertainty. 

Doctor…Doctor…I can't recall his name, but it doesn't seem to matter. He made me doubt myself. Made me question how I could exist in a world when I was acting so unstable. I vaguely remember him asking my mother into a session I don't know where this block of memory comes from but it's there now in an explosion of light. My mother's worried face as the doctor talks about putting me someplace where I couldn't harm myself or my kids. That they found Emily hurt and bleeding and that I was responsible. My mother is asking if Emily thinks I'm responsible and the doctor is saying, "You know kids these days there taught to trust there teachers." My mother tells the doctor that the answer he has given isn't good enough. The doctor is replying, "No, she said the bad man did it. But we found your daughter and Emily unconscious and although Emily is awake, Jenny is not. But when Jenny does awaken she might harm herself or someone else." 

The memory fades and I am thankful. It's to confusing and it makes my head ache when I remember the other life. 

I mean what is real? My life on that world, or my life here with Julian? 

I cannot find the answer.

I miss Emily the most. Out of all the people on earth she is the one true person I can remember. Her sweet innocent face and rose colored lips pursed in concentration as she colors. I sometimes beg Julian to bring Emily here, but he shakes his head and replies that it's not possible. That only I am allowed here with him. I ask him who makes those rules but he just shrugs and continues to caress me. 

And after awhile I am saddened with the truth that even Emily's face will soon fade. Things in the Shadow world just don't last. The shadows over grow the light and all that is left are illusions. But that's okay because with the illusions come escape and with escape comes happiness.

I think that I have found happiness now. Sometimes there isn't much to do here but I do love Julian so. I only wish I had been given a chance to tell him that when I was sixteen because for some reason I can't explain I still feel such unbelievable sorrow when I look upon his face. I feel as if he has died and not even holding him day after day seems to ease that grief. I can't explain it to Julian because he just laughs and claims he's right beside me and that I have nothing to worry about because he will never leave my side again.

But how is he here in the first place? He was dead, cut out of existence entirely. And yet here he is slowly undressing me and telling me how beautiful I am. It doesn't really matter though, as long as he exists everything will be okay. 

I tell myself this over and over trying to block out the part of my mind that wants to fall to my knees with grief over the loss of his beauty. 

He's alive damnit! He's alive. I scream over and over. And I know that it is true, I swear it.

Julian is with me now slowly laying me down against the soft mattress caressing my body. 

I close my eyes, I am finally at peace.  
  
  
  
  


 


End file.
